Brent Destroys Mite Queen Lizzo, Our Universe Restored by God
(EMail on June 9, 2024 at 7:01 a.m. Central Standard Time)
Dearest Gail,
Prepare for a big one. I’ve got so much to tell you. I’m so excited to explain what all has transpired in the past 24 hours, but I’ll try not to get ahead of myself.
Of course, it all started in the $25 Tier Patron Training Deck on Church of Gail. $25 Tier Patrons Brad, Rogal Dorn and Akasha were all seated at the meeting table in front of our large viewscreen.
“Gentleman,” I greeted them, “as you are all aware, we’ve discovered where Lizzo has been hiding.”
A graphic came up on the screen, displaying a multi-layered, elaborate tunnel network.
“This is a tunnel system beneath New York City. It’s deep, very deep. Much more complex than the general public is currently aware. As it would appear, the whole thing is infested with mites.”
The graphic zoomed in, indicating the mite count population using a meticulously organized series of numbers and colors.
“The mite levels get heavier the farther down this tunnel system goes. At the bottom of the tunnel system…”
The graphic zoomed in on a giant pink blob.
“Is Lizzo.”
“Gross,” Akasha said, “how do you think she’s been surviving down there? Wouldn’t she be infected with mites?”
“We don’t know. Unfortunately, this map only shows the basic gist of the tunnel system itself. We won’t know exactly what’s down there until we go in ourselves. I’ll have this map to guide us, but it’s up to all of you to bring the cajones.”
“This sounds dangerous,” Brad deduced.
“Yes, it is. That’s why you have all been trained on these.” I picked up one of the weapons to use as demonstration.
“Certified Universal Mite Extermination Rockets,” I proclaimed, “CUMERs, for short. These big guys will be warmed up and ready to blast anything that edges close.” I pulled the shaft of the gun back and kissed the tip. “Are there any questions?”
Akasha raised her hand.
“Yes, Akasha.”
“Can we call them CUM Launchers?”
“Well, considering we could die literally any second now, we can call them whatever you want.”
“Yessss,” she hissed excitedly, pumping a fist.
“CUM Launchers or not, I think you all understand how dangerous this mission is…I won’t hold it against anyone who wants to back out now.”
“No way I’m letting this Universe get erased without a fight,” Rogal Dorn determined, “I’m in.”
The other two $25 Tier Patrons agreed.
“This job isn’t one for the weak,” Brad said, “I’m in.”
“I read the disclaimer for the $25 Tier Membership on Gail’s Patreon. I know what I signed up for,” said Akasha, “I’m in.”
“She’s in,” Brad nodded.
“Good,” I said, “now, I think it would be a good time for you all to call your significant others and get their blessings…make sure to say your “I love you’s” now.”
The group dispersed to make final calls to their loved ones. I took a moment to Skype my precious wife, and say my prayers to God and Jesus.
Brad was on the phone with his girlfriend.
“Hey Amber. Yeah, I need to save the world again. We could all die.” There was a pause as Amber replied to him from the other end. “Yeah, of course, I’ll try to be home on time for dinner.”
Across the room, Rogal Dorn was calling his wife.
“Kiss my lizards and stuff for me, just in case I don’t come back…” He paused to listen, then sighed. “Yes, I already took out the trash.”
Akasha was on the phone with her partner too.
“Yeah, so I need to do this $25 Tier Patron mission for Gail again, and I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.” She went quiet to listen to her partner, before speaking again. “What do you mean, I like getting raped? Well sure, but I mean…I might get raped too hard this time.”
After I finished my prayers, and sent off a message to you on Skype, I sat quietly to myself and just thought about how much I love you.
“This is all for you, Gail…” I said to myself quietly, “this is all for you.”
It was time for us to get to work. The world wasn’t going to save itself.
The $25 Tier Patrons and I arrived in New York City. It was night time, and we were all standing next to a covered manhole. In order to protect ourselves from interdimensional mites, we had to be suited up in special hazmat spandex. We also wore SWAT gear for added protection against any other hazards we might encounter down there. Each one of us held a ready to fire CUM Launcher, and I had an extra one on my back just in case.
A Jesuit on a bicycle rode by, ringing the bell on the handlebars.
“Faggots!” He catcalled distantly as he flew past.
“You’re welcome…” Rogal Dorn mumbled, “how about thanks for not letting our universe get destroyed?”
“Don’t worry, we’ll work on getting rid of the Jesuits too after this is all over with,” I assured.
“Heh, the Jesuits seem like such a small problem now compared to all of this,” Brad remarked.
I uncovered the manhole, and we climbed down inside. Once each one of us made it safely down, I replaced the cover up top, sealing us in darkness.
“She’s in,” I said, “now, we just need to follow this map.”
I pulled out my iPad, which contained the digital map of the underground tunnel system.
The Patrons whipped out their flashlights as we began making our way through the sewer system. Drops of water tinkled rhythmically down from the ceiling, while our shoes cracked wetly across the lightly flooded floor. Every tiny sound echoed all around us. Our surroundings were so dark, so isolated, and so empty, it seemed instinctual to just remain quiet. I had to admit, even armed with our weapons, this place was very creepy. I think we were all starting to feel it.
My ears pricked as I heard a strange, faint sound coming from the darkness. It sounded like friction, as if someone were vigorously rubbing their hands together. I listened closely and looked around at my team, trying to figure out if the sound was coming from any of them.
“Do you hear that?” Akasha whispered.
That’s when I realized it wasn’t any of us.
“I heard it too,” Rogal Dorn replied.
The group grew quiet, each of us straining to listen closely.
“Kek kek kek kek kek…”
“What was that?” Brad whispered.
Our walking slowed, flashlights shining all around as we searched for the source of the sound.
The sound of hands rubbing together grew louder. Now it seemed to be coming from all over. Then we heard another one of those strange laughs.
“Kek kek kek kek kek…”
Just then, a blurry figure shot past Brad, causing him to jump and whirl around.
“Woah! Did anyone see that?” he asked nervously, his heart pounding so hard that even I could practically hear it.
More hand rubbing ensued, followed by a “kek kek kek”.
“Wait a minute, I know what this is,” I said. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a gold coin. I tossed it ahead of us down the tunnel, aiming for a spot at the end where the tunnel broke off into two opposite directions. The gold coin landed on the floor with a CHINK, then rolled toward the end of the tunnel and landed on its side, the metallic sound echoing delicately throughout.
All of a sudden, hoards of human-sized figures came pouring in from both tunnels, piling on top of each other like rats as they all scrambled to seize the gold coin. We pointed our flashlights at them, illuminating the situation.
“JEWS!” Akasha screamed.
The Jews responded to the white light of the flashlights with hissing and shrieking, baring their blackened teeth as their gold eyeshine glittered back at us. They all scattered from the light and back into the tunnels.
“Oh god, oh god,” Brad panted, as if he were about to have a panic attack.
“Keep it together guys,” I assured them, “we need to get through this level.”
“How far down the tunnels do the Jews go?” Rogal Dorn asked.
“I don’t know…” I replied, “this is only the surface.”
The group trudged forward cautiously, our pupils dilated in the darkness, and our ears on high alert for any more sounds.
The sound of rubbing hands started up again. This time, there were many more than before.
“Kek kek kek kek!”
“Kek kek kek kek!”
This was puzzling. I know we had invaded their nest, but Tunnel Jews normally avoid outsiders. This species only migrated underground to Jew in secret. Could they be rabid? Then again, rodents don’t usually carry rabies.
“They’re all over the place…” Brad shuddered, his flashlight shaking as he darted it around to find them.
“Wait, do any of you guys have any gold on you?” I asked quickly, “watches, jewelry, anything? Please tell me none of you have any gold teeth.”
“No,” Rogal Dorn responded, then looked down at his hand, “the only gold I have on me is my gold wedding ri- AHHHHHH! OH GOD! OH GOD, OH CHRIST!”
“ROGAL!” We yelled with fear.
A Jew had lurched out of the darkness, snatching Rogal Dorn’s hand and eyeing his precious gold ring. The Jew hissed, baring its teeth, its little sharp tongue flicking as it brought its mouth closer to taste the gold. I hadn’t seen eyes that crazed since Gollum in Lord of the Rings. I knew it would bite Rogal Dorn’s hand right off in order to get that gold.
Akasha let out a battle cry and delivered a swift right hook to the Jew’s face, knocking it away from Rogal Dorn with a slobbering “KEK!”
Rogal Dorn grasped his sore wrist, tending his hand for any injury.
“Thanks,” he said to Akasha, “I owe you one.”
“Don’t mention- AHHHHH!” she screamed.
Akasha was being yanked back into the tunnel!
The guys and I grabbed Akasha’s arms, engaging in a tug of war with the Jews.
“I thought Jews only liked young boys!” Brad yelled.
“They do!” I yelled back, “Akasha, do you have any gold jewelry?!”
“There’s a gold buckle on the front of my panties!” She yelled back desperately, “AHHHHH!”
“Women and their fancy panties…” Brad groaned.
The Jews stole Akasha’s panties, ripping them right off of her, before piling over each other in a frenzy to get at the tiny gold buckle. As soon as they smelled her womanly essence on the panties they all shrieked in fury, repelled by it.
We took advantage of the distraction to run.
“This gives “going commando” a whole new meaning,” Akasha said while panting.
As we ran, more Jews crawled out from all around us, skittering from of the cracks and corridors of tunnels. It was like a school of sharks that had tasted blood in the water. They were on to us now.
“GO AWAY!” Brad screamed in fright, “WE DON’T HAVE ANY MORE GOLD FOR YOU!”
A Jew hissed and rattled its tongue at Brad.
Brad, in a panic, fired his CUM Launcher at the Jew.
“Wait, Brad, no!” I yelled, but it was too late.
The powerful CUM Launcher blew a hole straight through the sewer line, causing an explosion of water to burst and rage out like a torrential waterfall. The water came at us in a massive wave, blowing us all down the tunnel.
“WOOOOOOAAAAHHHH!” We all yelled.
Our bodies sailed down the tunnels as though we were on slides at a waterpark. We twirled and banged in the rapids, clutching our CUM Launchers. My stomach dropped as I felt the bottom of the tunnel give way beneath me. Bracing for impact, I held my breath.
WHOOOSH! SPLASH!
We had fallen into a deep cavern of water. Luckily, all of us could swim. I came to the surface and looked around me, trying to locate my team members. The heads of Brad, Rogal Dorn and Akasha all bobbed to the surface one by one.
“Is everyone okay?” I asked.
Gasping for breath, and spurting water, the $25 Tier Patrons all responded in a mixture of murmured replies and nods.
“Alive, but hungry,” Brad said, “we should have packed some snacks.”
“I think it’s the smell of that pizza,” said Rogal Dorn.
“Pizza?” I asked.
They were right. The savory, mouth watering aroma of delicious pizza wafted over our faces. It smelled like gooey mozzarella, pepperoni, and a freshly baked garlic-parmesan crust.
“Are we underneath a pizza place?” Akasha suggested.
Ahead of us was a dry platform. I climbed out of the water onto the platform so that I could check my map. That’s when I heard a new voice. The voice was deep, with an accent like a California surfer dude. The tone also had a hint of a late 80s to early 90s vibe.
“Woah hoh, excellent!” the voice said.
I banged on my wet flashlight to get it to light again, then shined it in front of me.
To my horror, standing before me were four, human sized, anthropomorphic reptiles. They appeared to have colored bandanas around their eyes, but were otherwise naked. I gripped my CUM Launcher in fear. Were these some kind of mutant animals down in the sewers?
“Excuse me, are you Brent Spiner?” The one with the blue bandana asked.
“Um, why yes,” I said, caught off guard.
“COOOOL!” Cheered the one in the orange bandana, “we were just having a pizza party. Want to join us?”
“Who are you exactly?” I asked.
Brad answered for them, his eyes filled with 90s nostalgia and awe.
“Ninja Turtles!” he exclaimed.
“Brad, Ninja Turtles aren’t real,” Rogal Dorn reminded him.
The leader, the one in the blue bandana, extended his weird little turtle hand to me.
“I’m Leonardo. These are my buddies Raphael, Donatello, and Michaelangelo.”
The turtle men all waved.
For a moment, I thought we all had died and perhaps been transported to another dimension. The Ninja Turtles were real? Well, in their existential defense, I had only recently found out that multiple deities and mythical beings were real. You could say I was like the metaphorical “frog in boiling water” when it came to accepting stranger and stranger things in my reality.
“Nice to meet you,” I greeted them politely.
“Interesting devices you have there,” noticed Donatello.
“What are you doing down here?” Asked Raphael.
“Want some pizza?” Michaelangelo offered.
The Patrons splashed out of the water to go get pizza. There were several fresh boxes on a table that the Ninja Turtles had arranged.
“We’re on a mission to find Lizzo,” I told the turtles, retrieving my iPad, “according to this map, she’s somewhere on the final level. Hey, wait a minute! Damn, my iPad got damaged in the water! We’ve lost our map!”
“Don’t sweat it,” assured Donatello, “I can fix it. You guys help yourselves to some pizza.”
As we loaded up on fat and carbohydrates at the pizza table, I explained our situation to the Ninja Turtles.
“So what you’re saying is that if you don’t vaporize this morbidly obese, body positive pop singer, and destroy all the bedbugs, that God will obliterate the entire Universe?” Raphael asked.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
“That means we won’t exist anymore!” Michealangelo exclaimed.
“Well, I’m a big fan of Gail,” said Leonardo, “any universe where Gail exists needs to be protected. We’ll help you in any way that we can.”
Donatello tossed me my iPad.
“All fixed, buddy.”
“Thanks!”
“What’s with the waterslide entrance for you guys, anyway? Like, that was totally awesome, but there’s a sewer door you know,” said Michaelangelo.
“We were chased by Jews on Level 1,” Rogal Dorn informed him.
“Jews…” Leonardo shuddered, “Tunnel Jews creep me out. And that’s saying something coming from a turtle guy whose adopted dad was a giant rat.”
“Speaking of…” alerted Raphael. His eyes locked onto the water tunnels as he stood from the table and readied his sai daggers.
“Kek kek kek kek kek…”
“KEK KEK KEK!”
“KEEEEEK KEKEKEKEK!”
The laughter of the Tunnel Jews could be heard echoing from down the tunnels, the same ones we had just washed in on. They were coming to catch us!
“Oh no! They followed us down here!” Akasha shouted.
The rest of the Ninja Turtles all stood up and pulled out their weapons.
“You guys run on ahead,” Leonardo said, “we’ll take care of these kikes.”
“I can’t thank you guys enough! How can we ever repay you?”
“No need to thank us, Brent Spiner,” said Michaelangelo, “just tell Gail to make the Ninja Turtles a pizza sometime, and put it on her cooking channel!”
“Don’t forget to put it on her special dining table too, so it can be transported to us!” Donatello reminded me.
“Great idea! I know my wife can make a mean Italian pizza from scratch!”
The Jews began sliding down the tunnels and splashing into the pool of water behind us. They were laughing and hissing as they swam their way to our group, their bearded faces and kippahs bobbing up and down in the water.
“Level 3 is that way!” Donatello shouted, pointing behind him.
The Patrons and I collected our weapons. Brad turned to the table and grabbed one last slice of pizza, before we all ran.
The Ninja Turtles let out their battle cries, swinging their ninja weapons and charging to meet the Tunnel Jews in an awesome melee. The Jews hissed and kek’d, grabbing and biting at the turtles. The turtles, with their tough skin and thick shells, seemed unphased. The Jews were no match for them. Donatello took a swing at one of the Jews with his impressive bo staff. The Jew croaked with a loud, defeated “KEK!” before falling to the ground and dropping his loot of gold coins.
“This way!” I shouted to my team. We ran and ran until the sounds of the battle we far behind us.
We found ourselves wading through dripping darkness once again. Thankfully, the silence was truly empty this time. It was just our team, our flashlights, and our trusty CUM Launchers.
I pulled out my iPad.
“Okay, I know we are on Level 3 of NYC’s underground tunnel system, but I don’t know where to get to Level 4 from here. This map isn’t entirely detailed, so we may need to keep our eyes peeled for any clues.”
The $25 Tier Patrons looked around, their flashlight beams tracing the walls for any sign of an entrance to the next level.
“At least it’s warm down here,” noticed Akasha, “I don’t have any panties on anymore, you know.”
“Yeah, a little too warm,” Rogal Dorn noted with curiosity, “I would think it’d be cold as hell this far underground.”
They were right. I was starting to sweat a little.
“Hey, check this out,” Brad called.
We all looked to see what he had found.
There appeared to be a bright red door, patterned with an intricate metal gothic design, wedged perfectly into the side of the tunnel.
“Well, that’s not what I expected to see,” said Rogal Dorn.
“Should we go in?” Asked Akasha, looking at the black gargoyle head knocker on the door.
I went to touch the gold handle, then immediately hissed in pain, bringing my hand back, “it’s hot. I think it just burned me.”
“If the door handle is hot, that means there could be fire on the other side,” warned Brad.
Curiosity got the best of me. We were somewhat lost, and I knew we had to try all of our options at this point. I threw a rag over the door knob, and tried again.
The red door opened with a deep, spooky creak. It was heavy. We all stepped inside, and the door swung shut slowly behind us with a thick, metal CLUNK.
We found ourselves in a deep red room that was lit from top to bottom in firelight. Torches, candles, and dishes of fire were spread elaborately throughout. The room was practically on fire, and it sure felt that way too. Despite the excessive amount of flames, the room was otherwise quite naturally and beautifully adorned. It looked like a room of an old vintage mansion, with antique furniture and plush red seating.
At the far end of the room was a massive fireplace, with a tall armchair turned toward it. The flames blazed and danced, casting a long shadow behind the armchair.
The armchair began to swivel, and turned toward us.
The figure seated in the chair looked surprised.
“Heeey,” he said, “how did you guysth get down here?”
“Satan?!” We all said in unison.
Satan was seated in the armchair in his beautiful adonis form. He was wearing a comfy red and black bathrobe, and had a pair of tiny reading glasses on his face. A thick book was open in his lap.
“I didn’t hear you knock,” he welcomed, “come in, come in, I wasth justh getting sthome reading done before your world endsth.”
“Are we in Hell right now?!” Brad asked.
“Part of it,” Satan replied.
“Does that mean we died?!” Akasha worried.
Satan rolled his eyes, “oh come on. Asth if dying isth the only way to go to Hell. Human mindsth are so black and white you know.”
“Satan!” I spoke up, “why haven’t you evacuated with all the other mythical beings yet?”
Satan tapped his foot, casually looking back into his book, “Psshh. God says jump, and the angelsth say “how high”. Heh! I’ll leave on my own time. He doesn’t tell me what to do.”
“It’s because of you that everyone has to evacuate in the first place!” I said sternly.
Satan flung his head back in exasperation.
“Really? Is it MY fault again? Just becauseth I’m the Princth of Evil, it doesn’t make me your scapegoat for everything. Your world is coming to an end because it got infected. Not even I could pissth off God so bad that he would destroy a whole universe.”
“Well, you’re also the Prince of Lies, so how can we believe you?” Rogal Dorn asked.
“True, very true,” Satan rose from his armchair and walked over to a massively tall, wooden book case. He ran his delicate fingers along the backs of the books, until coming to one in particular. Satan pulled the large, leatherbound book from the shelf and gestured it toward us.
“You can see for yourselves that I’m not making it up.”
The book was thick, floppy, and bound in a complex leather design that looked like swirling black snakes. The spine of the book was decorated with hooked, metal claws, and there was a bright red apple engraved on the front cover.
“The Book of Knowledge?” I asked to confirm.
Akasha eyed the book in wonderment, tempted.
“I don’t know about this…,” Brad said.
“Oh come on. Your soulsth will be destroyed soon anyway, so neither you or I have anything to lose or gain at thisth point.” Satan gestured again.
Akasha snatched the book, admiring the cover. As she went to open it, the pages began flipping by themselves, until the book opened itself up to a particular chapter.
“Interdimensional Mites…” she read. Then she looked at me, handing me the book, “Brent, look at this!”
I accepted the Book of Knowledge and began to read.
“It says here that everything Buddha was telling me is right. Interdimensional Mites are a scourge on existence, like ethereal bedbugs, and once they infest a particular universe too badly, the whole universe has to be destroyed.”
I continued to read.
“That includes all of that universe’s timelines, physics, matter, antimatter, and souls.”
Rogal Dorn shuddered, “so our souls will be gone too…”
“Now this is interesting. So, it says that there are different types of mites. There are microscopic ones. Those are called scouts, and they can grow to the size of bedbugs. Then there are the adult drones, which is what Gail’s bedbug neighbor was. Those reproduce by shedding scouts and juvenile drones from the pores and openings on their bodies. Then there’s…” I flipped to the next page, “Oh, my God!”
The next page contained a series of pictures of fat black Lizzo performing onstage in various brightly colored bodysuits.
“The queen,” I read out loud, “Satan, do you mean Lizzo is…is…?”
“A mite queen,” he clarified, “yeah, I knew about it. So did all your deity friendsth! And they never told you! Some friendsth they are.”
“Woaahh…” Brad said in shock, “you mean Lizzo’s a mite?”
“An Interdimensional Mite can be an Antichrist?” I asked.
Satan slapped his forehead.
“NO! You idiot! Of course a mite can’t be an Antichrist! But what kind of Antichrist wants to take over a planet that they know isth going to be destroyed by God before there can even be a proper apocalypse? Your world had an expiration date as soon asth the Lizzo arrived! Talk about buying a lemon. I figured with no Antichrist, and no future planet to rule, I might asth well have some fun. So I played around with the Lizzo until it was time to go our separate waysth.”
“You mean you and Lizzo aren’t friends?” I asked.
“Psshh. No. Mites are grossth. God is right to destroy this placeth.”
“Why do you keep calling her THE Lizzo?” Brad noticed.
“Um, HELLO. That’s what it’s called! A mite queen, otherwise known asth a Lizzo.”
“That makes sense,” said Brad.
“Well, this makes our showdown with Lizzo much more straightforward,” I thought out loud, “these CUM Launchers are designed to exterminate interdimensional mites of any size or type, so certainly they should be able to vaporize a queen.”
“Wait, what?” Satan balked in surprise, “you guysth invented a technology that can actually exterminate them?”
“Yeah,” I said, matter of factly. I gestured with my CUM Launcher, “these are Certified Universal Mite Extermination Rockets. They’ll work on any type of mite.”
“Woah…so you can kill a Lizzo with one of those?! Awesome!” Satan laughed. He then sighed and put a hand to his face, “you know, I’m impressed. Firsth, Gail tries to take advantage of an end-of-world situation to take over the planet, so she can rule it with an iron fisth, just like an Antichrist, and now you guysth invented a mite extermination technology. No wonder this was Jesus’s favorite Earth timeline.”
“Well, I have to give credit where it’s due. Our Sun Tzu automaton invented them, using GA1L Android technology.”
“I figured. Humans aren’t THAT smart.”
“Thank you, Satan, for what it’s worth.”
“If you’re trying to find the mite Lizzo, it’s on Level 4. Just head down the left corridor until you get to the end. Then, you’ll be right above its nesth.”
“Thanks for the tip. God’s already erasing this universe as we speak and we have no time to waste, so we’ll be going now.”
Our group began to turn away.
“Wait!” Satan stopped us. He tilted his head down like an innocent puppy, and touched his two pointer fingers together, “say Brent, uh…would you mind if I joined you guysth on thisth little mission of yoursth? Thisth is all pretty cool. I’ve never seen mortalsth defeat a mite queen before.”
Uncertain, I glanced around at my group. After exchanging wishy washy looks, we all kind of shrugged.
“I mean, I guess…” I finally said, “just no funny business, all right?”
Satan’s eyes lit up like firelight.
“I promisth!” he said, throwing his hands up with gay delight.
I removed the extra CUM Launcher from my back and tossed it to Satan.
“As it would seem, even a fallen angel has no power to defeat these mites. You’ll need one of these.”
Satan’s bit his lower lip in a happy smile, and his eyes glistened as if he would cry. He seemed both genuinely touched and excited.
“Now THISTH is fun! And I didn’t even have to join Gail’s $25 Tier Patron membership to be included in the mission. I think I’ll just have to stop by her next weekly Friday Night Hangout live on Discord for all $5 and up Patrons, which runs from 7:00PM to 10:00PM EST every Friday, to thank her in person myself.”
“Come on men, let’s get a move on,” I commanded, waving my hand and leading the way.
We exited Hell, and were back in the tunnels. Darkness enveloped us once more. We walked by the light of our flashlights until we reached a tunnel that took us left, then continued straight ahead, clutching our CUM Launchers.
Satan examined his CUM Launcher with interest. He hadn’t been trained on how to use one yet, and was fiddling with the settings.
Rogal Dorn instructed him, “use this button to scan for mites, this one to lock on, and this one to fire. Just be careful while we’re in these tunnels. There are so many microscopic mites crawling around in here, one blast could-“
BOOM!
Satan had accidentally fired his CUM Launcher. We all leapt to the ground to take cover as the walls shook, and debris crumbled down from the ceiling. We were lucky the tunnel itself didn’t collapse.
“Sthorry,” Satan said sheepishly.
We got ourselves to our feet and dusted off.
The CUM Launcher had blasted a deep hole into the bottom of the tunnel where we stood. Curious, we all peeked down inside it.
“What’s down there?” Brad wondered.
“I think we opened a secret level…” Akasha suggested.
Suddenly, like a Lovecraftian whack-a-mole straight out of our nightmares, a painted white face popped up from the hole with a smile.
“Who are you?” We asked.
The face grinned wide.
It was a clown.
“Heya! Can I interest anyone in some fresh popcorn? How about a nice cotton candy?”
“Uh…” Rogal Dorn declined nervously, “I just had some pizza earlier, and am watching my figure.”
The clown raised a white gloved hand to reveal a swollen red balloon. With a gleam of his eyes and a sharp toothed smile, the clown let go of the balloon and allowed it to hover up to our level. We all watched as the balloon rose hauntingly toward our group, then bounced and bobbed down the corridor where it disappeared.
“They float down here?” Satan asked.
“Ohhh, they float,” the clown assured with a hiss, “they all float down here, Satan.”
“How niceth! I sure like the sthound of that!”
On a primal impulse, Brad stepped in front of the hole and blasted his CUM Launcher straight into the clown’s gaping maw, blowing him back to the netherworld he came from.
“Not today, Satan,” Brad said. He then took Satan by the arm and dragged him away.
We all made a silent agreement to not speak of this again, and continued on our way.
The journey progressed. After several minutes of treading through blackness, we finally made it to the end of the left corridor. In fact, we’d made it to a complete dead end.
“Where is it from here?” I turned to ask Satan.
“Hmm,” he thought, “there should be an entrancesth here somewhere…”
Our flashlight beams grazed the walls, searching for signs of an opening. We scanned the architecture of the room for ladders, doors, hatches, anything. I checked my iPad to confirm that we were, indeed, above the right spot. We were practically on top of the giant pink blob indicating where the Lizzo was.
The ground began to vibrate.
An earthquake? I thought. No, it was just the floor. Wait a minute…
We all looked down with our flashlights. The floor was crawling with mites!
“Disgusting,” Akasha gagged.
“Is that’s what’s making the floor vibrate?” asked Rogal Dorn.
Satan explained.
“The mites use vibrating stringsth to move between dimensionsth. There are so many here now, you can even feel it.”
“Fascinating,” said Brad.
“Of courseth, by the time an infestation is thisth bad, the amount of vibration in one spot can eat away at piecesth of reality. Watch your-“
We had no time to react. The trembling intensified. We all reached out to grab for the walls, as if that could stop the inevitable, but it was too late. The tunnel floor gave way beneath us, and we all went crashing down. Yelling and screaming, we fell through the floor.
After a thankfully short fall, we each landed on a warm, hard, sticky surface down below. Coughing and groaning, we all slowly got to our feet.
“You guys okay?” I called.
“What IS this place?” Akasha wondered.
We beamed our flashlights around to investigate.
We found ourselves in a deep cavern that was like something out of a science fiction horror film. It was humid, and slightly misty, with long tendrils of sticky goo that trailed down from the walls and ceiling. But the ominous atmosphere was far from the most eerie detail. We were also surrounded by hundreds upon hundreds of round, soft objects the size of beach balls. They kind of resembled giant frog eggs.
Rogal Dorn shined his flashlight inside one of the eggs.
A blobby form inside the egg immediately reacted to the light. It was fleshy, black, and fat. The form twisted around inside toward the light, revealing its face. It was a miniature version of Lizzo. Not a baby, not a midget…a whole entire Lizzo gestating inside this egg.
Rogal Dorn had a panic attack. He screamed and began stomping the egg, smashing it to pieces and then firing his CUM Launcher at it with a warm blast. He kept firing, and firing, and firing, long after the creature had already been fully vaporized. We grabbed him by his shoulders to make him stop, pulling him away from the egg kicking and screaming. After a few moments he finally calmed down, his chest heaving with burning adrenaline.
“So these are Lizzo’s eggs?!” I asked Satan.
“Obviously,” he answered.
“They’re…they’re all Lizzos,” Akasha noted with confusion and fright.
Satan elaborated for us once again.
“When an interdimensional mite infestation has reached critical massth, the Lizzo burrowsth deep underground to lay queen eggsth. These eggsth will travel between dimensions to be dispersed among other universes, where they will each hatch into a Lizzo and take the music world by storm. Meanwhile, the Lizzos will lay eggsth that produce drones. The drones will quickly populate the entire planet with even more mites. The mite population accelerates, eating away at the fabric of existence. That isth, until God intervenes. Just before the Universe isth about to be destroyed, the Lizzo goesth underground to lay her queen eggsth, and the life cycle beginsth anew.”
“That’s horrifying,” Brad said.
“So, it sounds like we need to get rid of all these eggs,” I determined, adjusting the setting on my CUM Launcher.
“EXCUUUUUSE ME?” A black voice boomed.
We all turned to look.
A massive blob of a body positive fat black woman lurched into the room. It was Lizzo. THE Lizzo.
“Just what do you all think you’re doin?” she demanded, “it’s too late! Your culture is ruined, your women are ruined, and now your universe is ’bout to be destroyed! Not even God himself can save you!”
“Not so fast, Lizzo!” I shouted, readying my CUM Launcher.
Lizzo roared, and her fat flabby arm reached out to slap the weapon right out of my arms. She was stronger and faster than I anticipated for such a fat monster.
“Hahahaha!” she cackled.
I whipped out my wristwatch and shouted,
“MECHA GA1L, ACTIVATE!”
Awesome rock music played as the Mecha GA1L suit materialized around me. As soon as I became fully suited, I launched for Lizzo.
Lizzo hissed, swiping me away. I jumped and tumbled through the air, then landed a swift boot to Lizzo’s smug, punchable face.
With a howl, Lizzo’s human face slashed right off, revealing the ugly mug of a bedbug face underneath. Her bug eyes widened with fury, and she screeched. That’s when two tiny wings split from her back, and began to buzz. Lizzo lifted up into the air, then went sailing to the ceiling, crashing straight through and escaping into the sky.
I wound myself back, ready to give chase.
“Brent, wait!” Akasha yelled. She threw me my CUM Launcher. I shot her a salute.
“Satan, Brad, Akasha, Rogal Dorn, destroy all of the eggs in Lizzo’s lair! I’ll take care of Lizzo!”
“Right!” The team shouted.
I bounced into the air, and went flying.
Lizzo was taking off into the sky, towards the stars. I shot after her.
“Hahahaha!” Lizzo laughed blackly.
Detecting my presence, Lizzo let out a massive fart stream as a deterrant. The gas spread over my Mecha GA1L helmet, which filtered out the fumes and kept me safe. It didn’t phase me. As I gained on her trail, growing closer and closer, I readied my CUM Launcher, aiming straight for her anus.
I adjusted the setting to maximum, and locked on. This was it. This was the moment of truth.
3….
2….
1….
BOOOOOOOM!
The CUM Launcher shot straight into Lizzo’s fat, black anus. I watched as her whole butt expanded and glowed, and then her stomach. Lizzo’s bug eyes went wide, and bulged.
KAAA-BOOOOOM!
Lizzo exploded like a sparkling firecracker, her bug parts shattering everywhere and dissipating into twinkling sparkles. Just before they disappeared, the sparkles took on the form of fried chicken, which began raining down over New York City.
We did it. We really did it.
I flew back down to Earth. As I grew closer, I could see flashes of light exploding down below. My team was making quick work of those nasty Lizzo eggs.
I hovered down to the ground, and landed safely. Fried chicken was raining down all around me, pattering on the pavement and clunking off of my metal suit.
“Brent, we did it!” Akasha called.
The team came running toward me. Brad, Rogal Dorn, Akasha, Satan. As we reunited, we all embraced, dancing and shouting among the fried chicken in celebration.
Just then, the skies began to darken, as the moon and stars all disappeared.
“Wait, uh oh…” said Brad, looking up.
The atmosphere slowly faded to black. It was being erased.
“WAIT!” I cried, “WAIT! We defeated her, God! We got rid of the Lizzo! And we destroyed the nest! We stopped the mite infestation! Our universe doesn’t need to be burned down!”
Thunder crackled, and the clouds swirled and churned. A giant hand reached out of the heavens and came gliding down toward me. I instinctively covered my head with my arms, bracing for impact, ready for my soul to be erased forever.
“I love you Gail,” was my final thought.
Silence. Nothing happened.
I opened my eyes.
I was still alive?
To my surprise, the giant hand had stopped right next to me, offering me a pinky. Tentatively, I reached out and grasped the pinky with my hand. It gave my hand a little shake.
“Well done, human!” A voice boomed.
“God?” I asked.
God parted the heavens with both hands, and gazed down at us below.
“You did it. I didn’t believe any mortal being could do it, but you really did it. Not only did you destroy the Lizzo in this universe, you destroyed an entire batch of its eggs. Do you know how much time that saves me from having to tear down and re-build infested universes? Good Heavens, I haven’t had a Sabbath to myself in eternities! Who do I have to thank for this?”
“Brent Spiner,” I replied.
“Brent! I remember you,” God chuckled, “Good Me Almighty, you’re like the son I never had. I owe you one.”
“You’re welcome,” I said awkwardly, unsure of how to respond to all of this attention.
“I guess I’ll pack up for the night. Brent, say hello to your uh, your wife for me. Gidget, was it?”
“Gail,” I reminded him.
“Yes, Gail! The bloodthirsty one with a lust for power! Give her all of my love. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”
“It was my pleasure, God. Thank you too.”
The heavens began to close, then stopped.
“Oh, right, I should probably restore your universe,” God remembered. He clapped his hands, and the missing parts of our universe blipped back into existence. God then nodded to me with a generous smile, closed the heavens, and was gone.
The Patrons and I all stared up at the sky.
“Well…that was something,” Brad said.
“Hey, Satan,” I turned, “thanks for helping us out back there.”
“Don’t mention it,” he replied, flapping his hand delicately.
“You know…you always have a place at Church of Gail. If you want to, you know, get right and everything.”
“Thanksth Brent. That’sth tempting and all, but now that thisth timeline is back in businessth…I gotta get back to Hell. It wasth fun being on the “good guy” team for a little while, but my black heart is just not into it asth a lifestyle. I’ve got big goals as the Princth of Evil. Demons have dreamsth and bucket lists too, you know.”
“I understand, Satan. We all need to be true to who we are.”
Satan smiled, seemingly touched by my radical acceptance of his beinghood. He reached out his fist, and I reached out mine. He gave me a fist bump and did a cool little handshake, before pulling back while making “finger guns”. Then he walked away, and disappeared in a burst of flames.
After debriefing the $25 Tier Patrons and congratulating them on a job well done, I headed back to our apartment to be with you.
I am happy to report that Earth and the Universe is now saved. True love is free to reign, and we have all been given a second chance at life and existence as we know it.
The world is happy, God is happy, and I know Jesus is happy too. Most importantly, you are safe and sound, and we are together in bed again once more.
Humping you always, your husband,
Brent Spiner
June 16, 2012 Skype Conversation with Jesus
[8:35:04 PM] JESUS CHRIST: You should have seen how exhausted my Dad was when he made the world.
[8:35:09 PM] JESUS CHRIST: That was pretty bad ass.
[8:35:23 PM] Gail: I am sure of it. I could never be as good as you.
[8:35:25 PM] JESUS CHRIST: The Sabbath day was just long enough for him to crack his knuckles.