Baphomet’s Education about Asexuals & Aromantics
UPDATE on Aug. 2, 2022: We need to quit worrying about these SJW labels, and just be our unique, complex selves, regardless of labels. https://www.gabriellechana.blog/2022/08/02/baphomet-the-sjw-demon-we-need-to-drop-the-labels/
Because Jesus is asexual and aromantic, I feel a need to educate the world about asexuality. Some of those who commented below may be full romantics though, and Jesus is aromantic. But the asexual/aromantic sexual orientation is very misunderstood and we are all in need of an education.
I, myself, am heterosexual, demisexual, full romantic and polyamorous and have created this page to help asexuals be understood by the rest of us.
MISCONCEPTIONS
- a medical condition
- a choice
- celibacy/chastity
- waiting (for marriage, or true love, or the right person)
- something that can be changed by the right person
- something to be fixed
- being unable to have sex
- being unattractive
- just wanting attention
- being gay, but in denial
- being sexually inexperienced
- “just a phase”
Aspec people may or may not:
- Want to date
- Want to get married
- Want to have kids
- Want to snuggle, hug, hold hands, masturbate, have sexual contact, role play, participate in kink and BDSM / power play, have sex, exchange bodily fluids, kiss, dance, flirt, feed each other, etc.
- Want a romantic relationship
- Want a sexual relationship
- Want a queerplatonic relationship
- Be trans, non-binary, agender, or another gender minority
Aros may or may not:
- Have been in romantic relationships in the past
- Enjoy consuming romantic media
- Have had traumatic experiences from romance or romantic relationships
- Feel romantic attraction in limited circumstances
- Be gay, lesbian, bi, pan, straight, asexual, or another sexual orientation
Aces may or may not:
- Have had sex before
- Enjoy sex
- Be curious about sex
- Masturbate
- Watch porn/read erotica
- Have trauma regarding sex
- Feel sexual attraction in limited circumstances
- Enjoy feeling ‘sexy’ or wearing ‘sexy’ clothing
- Be gay, lesbian, bi, pan, straight, aromantic, or another romantic orientation
Aspec people do:
- Face discrimination, known as acephobia or aphobia, including microaggressions, workplace discrimination, and even corrective rape.
Examples of Microaggressions
- “You should feel flattered by unwanted attention”
- “There is no love without sex”
- “That’s not real” or “You’re lying”
- “But how do you know if you haven’t tried sex”
- “I bet I can change that”
- “Romantic love is what makes us human”
- “There’s something wrong with you”
- Being called cold, emotionless, robots, or inhuman
- Aros who want to have sex without a romantic relationship being called “players” or “predatory”
- Infantilization of aspec people: “you’re just young/naive/inexperienced/a late bloomer”
- Pressure to date/marry/have children: “Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet?”
- “I feel sorry for you” or “You’re missing out” or “You’re going to be lonely forever”
- Expecting an aspec person to answer intrusive questions
Why do asexual people lack intimacy, and think it’s ok to have a relationship like that.?
As an asexual, I am uncomfortable with romantic/sexual contact. I don’t enjoy cuddling or kissing. The most I like is hand holding and hugs. And sexual intimacy is repulsive to me.
Even so, I can still have a completely happy relationship.
When someone gets a partner, they shouldn’t be focused only on intimacy and touching. A healthy relationship can be built on more than sex, it takes trust, understanding, and communication.
Our world is based on a stigma of sex. Every movie out there is full of romance. People live for the day they get to have sex. Human instinct leads to wanting to reproduce, yes, but today’s people make it even more than that. Sex is used for enjoyment and stress relief and everything else. Sex had become routine when it doesn’t need to be.
Back to asexuals. Intimacy comes in more types than just physical. The definition of intimacy is “a familiar and close connection, formed through a bond of knowledge and experience”. Thus, asexuals CAN feel intimacy, just not the type that comes to your mind.
And it IS okay to have a relationship without physical intimacy. Any relationship that is built healthily on trust and love is a good relationship. Sex and physical affection is not a requirement to make people in love happy. by Grey Stowe
Well first off, I’ve personally found that I’m not lacking anything in the intimacy department tbh. But in general, asexuals typically ‘lack’ it simply because it doesn’t appeal to them. It’s like how some people love coffee, and others like tea. People have different preferences and asexuals prefer not to have that intimacy.
Also, when you say intimacy, I’m assuming you’re referring to sexual intimacy. Asexuals are perfectly capable of romantic intimacy, and there is a difference between sexual attraction and romantic ones. I myself am an aromantic asexual meaning I don’t experience either attraction, but there is also homo, hetro, pan, bi, and other romantic orientations other than that too!
Lastly, it’s perfectly fine for an asexual to have an intimate relationship that is sexual. An asexual wouldn’t like it per se, but they may still do it for their partner or if they still wanted to have kids.
I guess in short, asexuality fully depends on whether or not you’re SEXUALLY attracted, and what you do with it is completely up to the asexual. Hope I answered your question!! by Jazz
Can Asexual People Fall In Love? by Alexa Bruno
As no one has answered this yet, I feel so inclined to share with you my thought process.
I realize now, at 25, I’ve felt asexual since I first had a working memory. I never knew it was ok to feel this way or even real. It took a lot of sadness, invalidation, and confusion to get to where I am now. For me, specifically, I am a romantic demi-asexual. That translates to, I love everything deep about a relationship that just doesn’t involve anything sexual in any way shape or form. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and even fearful. The demi asexual part means that I will develop very deep feelings for someone after I have known them for some time and if I feel we connect, but I will not develop sexual feelings ever. It is absent in me. There has to be a high trust in a friendship or a relationship but it will never turn sexual.
Now, love? Oh yes. If I had one mission in my life it would be to articulate how deeply in love I can feel. Asexual has nothing to do with it. People are people. People tell me, aren’t asexual people robotic? They have no need for connection, right? I am deeply hurt by this because all I think all I’ve done in my life deeply cares about people. I honestly wish I didn’t love people as deeply as I do because I feel I cannot give them what they ultimately need, in all of its completeness. I’m often hurt and depressed by this fact.
My love can be described as this. It is the deepest and strongest form of commitment and care. Once I’ve found someone I trust and feel safe with, it is a very high level. I describe it like this: I admire the heck out of them. I will do anything to ensure their safety and success.
In my mind? It’s very intense. It’s not a physical attraction in any way, but something higher. Something mental. It’s like a fierce admiration. I admire the heck out of them.
Sometimes I just catch myself looking their way, and it feels like the happiest, softest moment. I feel all warm and safe and complete. Thoughts I have? They never stop. They (special someone) work so hard and has so much to offer. They don’t always show the world this side of them. I’m so fortunate to be able to know them and share their life and their interests. I love how their eyes light up when they talk about something they’re passionate about. I detect tiny inflections in their voice, in their face and subtle changes in the environment. I’m so proud I’m with them and they’re with me. I look at this beautiful person and I fall in love with their mind. What they love, what made them the person they are, what they’d fight for. I love warm, physical closeness, holding hands, or resting against you. I equally love to quiet in their company and feel so loved. They are my safe place. Just being near, or even miles apart, I feel warm and happy to have such a person.
Commitment? It feels the same way. I’d die for them. I’d defend them and protect them at all costs. They would be my person and I would never ever throw that away unless they gave me so so many reasons as to why I no longer felt valued.
Oh yes, I know love. I know it well. I have not met my forever person, but I believe that someday someone can love me as deeply as I love them in my own, unique way.
I truly hold out hope for that.
What do asexuals and/or aromantics want the general population to understand/know about?
We really don’t appreciate people saying that it’s a medical problem or we just haven’t found someone yet. Like AT ALL.
I keep getting told that God has someone for me, that ‘man was not made to be alone’, and that I’ll regret having the label asexual cuz it’s soooo limiting. I honestly don’t give a shit about if my ‘perfect guy’ is left alone because of me. Hell, if I actually find that guy I will actively make sure nothing happens. I would rather die than have any sort of relationship like that.
And before you think I’m exaggerating. I may be, but I REFUSE to turn into something that I will hate because of a relationship. I REFUSE to be a wife because I will hurt my spouse eventually. I REFUSE to have children because I know I will destroy them like my mom is destroying me. If I do find ‘the one’ though, I will make sure that he has the best damned friend he has ever had and ever will have. I will NOT marry him, but I will do everything in my power to make him happy with his life and even help him find someone just as good, or better than me to marry.
My asexuality is not a choice, but what I do with it is. Whether it’s a medical condition or whatever you want to call it, it’s my choice what I do with it. And I am going to be the best human being I can possibly be.
It may be a medical condition as some people may fear, but let me tell you, I would find that to be the best damned blessing of my life. All I need to live is a house, food, and a fulfilling career. I don’t need or want medications, I don’t need or want therapy. Leave me alone and don’t force a man (or woman) on me, then all of us will be happy.
Just STOP telling me I’m not a complete person without a stupid ring on my finger. If you what me to be happy let me find that on my own. by Jazz
I don’t know about “falling in love”… but I’m an aromantic asexual and there is someone in my life that I really, truly, deeply love, like I’ve never loved anyone else. I’ve described it to several people and they said they felt that way when they were in love with someone. I don’t consider my feelings for him to be romantic because I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him. We’re very close friends and that’s fine for me. I don’t want to kiss him, hold hands with him or refer to him as “my boyfriend”. I usually refer to him as my “special friend” because what I feel for him is totaly different from what I feel for my other friends, or as my “non-romantic significant other” because he has had a huge (positive) influence over my life lately. by Rainbow Amoeba
Yes, ace and aro people can still be in a reationship. It just won’t be like your typical boyfriend-girlfriend/girlfriend-girlfriend/boyfriend-boyfriend relationship.
Asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum. Some ace/aro people can experience attraction very rarely, or only under specific circumstances, or only to a limited degree, so they can be attracted to someone and get into a relationship and make it work. In the asexual/aromantic community, some people are uncomfortable calling themselves a “romantic couple” or “boyfriend and girlfriend,” etc., so we often refer to these relationships as queerplatonic relationships, or QPRs. QPRs are not conventional romantic relationships, but they’re also not “just” friendships. They’re more just like an ace/aro person and their partner (who may or may not also be ace/aro) who have feelings* for each other, who have agreed to be exclusively something together. And no two QPRs are the same because only the two people involved in a QPR decide what their relationship will entail. Some QPRs look just like boyfriend+girlfriend minus the labels. Some look like a pair of platonic friends who just act like friends, but they’re “together.” And others may involve cuddling but no kissing/sex, or only kissing and no hand-holding, or whatever else. And it’s not really any outsiders’ business to decide, “well, this is what one QPR looks like, so they must all be like that.”
*Feelings can be stronger in one person than another, and some aromantic people will tell you that they’re not infatuated/in love with their partner to the point of wanting to kiss and go on dates with them, but they feel something unique and special for them. – Pepper Chen
Most likely, although aro-aces have pretty much been invisible for most of human history, so I doubt I can give a specific example.
Aromanticism and the ability to get married are not mutually exclusive. Asexuality and the desire to have kids are not mutually exclusive either. Nor are asexuality and enjoying sex.
- Aromantics can be in relationships (they’re called queerplatonic relationships). Aromanticism is a spectrum, and many aromantics are capable of some degree of attraction. If they want to marry their partner, there’s no rule that they have to turn in their aro card because they’re suddenly a “fake aromantic.”
- And even if they’re also asexual, nowhere in the definition of asexuality does it decree that aces can’t want kids or have them, or if they do, they have to turn in their ace card because they’re suddenly a “fake ace.” If a couple of aces wants kids, they know how it works, and they’re not going to spontaneously combust if they do it.
- Keep in mind also that aro-aces are not straight. If they want to marry a partner of the same sex, they can do that too. In that case, having kids the traditional way would be a tad difficult. And yet, wondering “hmm, I wonder if gay couples can have children” would be idiotic. There’s sperm donation, surrogacy, adoption, etc. that same-sex and “hetero” aro-ace couples can both use.
- And even if they didn’t want to get married, arranged marriages are a thing. Historically, there’s bound to be somebody who didn’t want anything to do with love and marriage who was married off to someone equally unenthusiastic about it. Maybe both of them were aro-ace, and both sets of parents were fed up with their kids’ “defect” and desperate to get rid of them. And since marriage + kids was the norm, both aro-aces just went along with it and hoped for the best. by Pepper Chen
Before I answer, I just want to clarify that this is my experience being aromantic. This is a highly subjective answer, so other aromantics may not feel the same way. (Also, going anon because not everyone in my life knows I’m aro)
What does being aromantic feel like?
The shortest answer to the question I can come up with is:
Freakin’ confusing and frustrating, but awesome
Here’s the long answer…
Aromanticism is unknown to most people, at least where I live. Most have never heard the word before. This included me before I started looking for an explanation for how I felt.
Thinking back, I know I have always felt this way, but I didn’t notice it until I was about 14 years old. That’s when I got my first “real” boyfriend. This guy – let’s call him Jake – was madly in love with me. Me? I just liked being with him. Talking to him. Even hugging him. We became a couple after our friends came up with the idea that we “looked cute together”. It was expected that we became a couple, and back then I just (naively) thought there was nothing more to relationships than simply enjoying each other’s company. Turns out, I was wrong.
When Jake first said I love you, I had two thoughts
- It scared the sh*t out of me
- I thought, “seriously dude, we’re only 14. How do you know what love is?”
That’s when I came to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. I was miserable in that relationship for about 6 months. I didn’t have the heart to break up with him. He was an amazing guy, I just couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with him. When I eventually broke up with him, I cried my heart out. Not because I was sad our relationship ended – I was actually relieved – but because I couldn’t bear the thought of him sad.
Fast forward four years. I am now 18. And history is dangerously close to repeating itself. I have a really good friend – let’s call him Nate – whom I have so much in common with. We can talk about almost anything and I love our conversations. I see how we would be considered a great match by society. But I never once thought of him as a potential romantic partner until my two good friends – let’s call them Laura and Cathy – told me he had a crush on me.
Now, Laura, she’s still figuring out her sexuality, and I feel like I can safely discuss me being aromantic with her. She gets it. So when I told her I had no interest in Nate – or any boys for that matter – she stopped pushing for a relationship to happen. But Cathy’s another story. She has never once questioned her sexuality. She dreams of finding a husband as soon as possible and have plenty of kids with him. Nothing wrong with that, but she doesn’t get people who don’t want that. And honestly? It seems way too exhausting to try and explain it to her. So Cathy tries her hardest to practically force Nate and me together.
Now I have the same problem as I did when I was 14. There’s a guy who I love being with and talking to. He has a crush on me. I don’t want to destroy our friendship by rejecting him – and I REALLY should reject him because I know now that I will never feel what he feels.
The problem with being aromantic is that no one I have ever met truly knows what it means. If I was a lesbian, few would have trouble grasping how I feel. No one tells you about aromanticism. There are few/no aro representations in today’s media.
I have always thought the easiest way to come out as, eg. gay, would be to watch a movie about homosexuality and then casually saying: This is how I feel.
You can’t do that as an aromantic.
I came out (or I tried to) to my mom not long ago. I know she’ll always love me for who I am, so when I bawled as I told her, it wasn’t because I was scared of what she might say or do. It was because I was frustrated with how society thinks and because I was relieved to finally have something to identify myself with. But of course, my mom saw my crying as a sign that I was sad or even scared about what I was telling her.
So you know what she said?
“Don’t worry honey, you just haven’t met the right person. I’m sure you will meet someone – you’re still young. There’s no reason to be scared”
This broke my heart. I’m not even sure she noticed I came out. She just saw the moment as me having an identity crisis. I know she means well, but she more or less said that aromanticism doesn’t exist.
Looking through other people’s stories, I find that this is almost always on the list of the worst things about being aromantic. Here’s what I believe to be the general problems of aromantics:
- “There is no such thing as aromantic”
- “You just haven’t met the right person yet”
- Being extremely confused about whether or not you ACTUALLY JUST HAVEN’T MET THE RIGHT PERSON YET (for all I know, I could be demi/greyromantic!)
- Having to explain the concept over and over again
- Having people judge you and think you’re heartless
- Having people call you sex-crazed (for allosexual aromantics)
- “You’re just a special little snowflake who want attention”
I want to add that being aromantic is NOT a curse. I am happy to have some sort of definition to explain how I feel. Being aromantic does not make you broken or wrong. It just makes you different. That feeling you get when you read another aromantic’s experiences and think, “that’s exactly how I feel!”, is one of the best feelings in the world. It’s like everything about you suddenly makes sense. I know that society doesn’t really accept/understand aromantic people, but I love and accept myself. And that’s what’s most important! (Alright, that became quite clichée – but I promise you it’s true)
Edit:
After reading some of the other answers to this question, I want to add that I have always loved the idea of romance. I love Disney moves where everyone lives happily ever after and gets married to their true love. I love watching two people fall in love. I’m not blind when it comes to other people having a crush on each other. I just don’t like the idea of me and romance mixing. And I tend to not notice when people have a crush on me. I’m not disgusted when I see romance, but I am disgusted when I get involved in romance. By ANONYMOUS
What is it like being 100% asexual and aromantic?
You know when you were a kid and you didn’t even know what sex was? Remember when you said “ew” to your parents kissing?
It’s kind of like that, but without the innocence.
As an adult, it’s making sex jokes but not having any interest in doing it. It’s wanting companionship, but not the romantic kind. You want the best friend kind of companionship, someone to trust and have fun with, but not kiss or cuddle with or anything like that. You view even the most attractive people as, at most, potential for another friend to play cards with instead of potential for a date. You might be able to admire that person because their body is visually pleasing, but your view of them is still platonic. There’s no feeling of “I wanna bang that.”
Not to say we aren’t capable of love. It’s just a little different for us. You can look at a person and want the absolute best for them, want them to be happy, want to spend your life with them – but that doesn’t mean you want to kiss them. Some aromantic asexuals will do so for the sake of their partner (if they have one – I don’t know any who do), but there’s not much in it for us. However, it varies from person to person.
I honestly can’t say how different it is from – I dunno, normalcy? It’s just life without horniness or falling hopelessly in love with people. It’s sort of like not craving sugary things, like looking at a donut and not having the desire to eat it, or like not feeling the need to have desert after a good meal. It’s not because you can’t have it – you just don’t really want it. And everyone around you is like “what? You don’t like sweets?! What about chocolate? How can you not like chocolate?!” and you just don’t really understand what the big deal is because it’s just not your taste.
It can be kind of isolating to know that you don’t feel something everyone else does, and therefore not being able to relate. Other than that, I don’t see a lot of downsides. The upsides are a matter of opinion more than anything. Zoee Farnes
For a long time, all of my friends would feel attracted to people and to them it was like normality. They would make comments like ‘woah so and so celebrity is so hot’ etc.. and I just couldn’t see why. For me being 100 percent aroace is never really having crushes, never wanting romance (though this is not true for everyone), and being much more interested in platonic ships and familial relationships. Sometimes there is a fear of being lonely in the future, as society as a whole really makes sexual attractions the obligatory norm, and I’m not sure how people would view me or if they’d understand. Tbh when people kiss on TV I feel nothing but I love it so much more when there are sweet moments between friends, siblings etc… Sometimes I feel a little sad that I can’t relate to some of my friends in the region of attractions and rather than a partner I really just long for one best friend to have a great platonic relationship with if that makes any sense!
So yup that’s my experience! 😉
For any aroaces out there you are completely valid! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise<3 Anantaa Manglani
It is kind of peaceful being aro ace, but kind of lonely, and sometimes confusing and scary. Let me elaborate.
It’s very reassuring and calm when you’re an asexual. No drama with “he cheated on me!”, no desperate need to get that cute girl to notice you.
It’s a very relaxed-relationship type orientation. No need to panic over attractive people, because you don’t feel attraction. No need to worry about being single on Valentine’s day, because you’re happy just buying yourself some chocolate.
There are some other good pros to being ace. No worries about STDs transferred through intercourse, no worries about unwanted pregnancy, and no worries about your parents kicking you out for having teenage sex.
It gives you a chance to focus on more important things than sex and dating, and lets you find your interests easier.
It is kind of lonely being aromantic and asexual though. Your friends will be together, talking about that cute boy, and you’re just kind of like, “…eh.” I know many of my friends are tired of me not wanting to talk about relationships.
Its hard being stuck in a world where everything revolves around breakups and girlfriends, especially when you don’t belong there.
Sometimes it is confusing being aro ace. Sometimes, you wonder if someone who glanced at you one too many times is attracted to you. You don’t know how to react in a romantic situation. You wonder sometimes, “am I actually aromantic?” Because for a split second someone looks kind of cute.
It’s a constant struggle, based around the sex-based world.
The last part is, it can be scary to be aro and ace.
Sometimes people don’t accept us. Even fellow LGBTQ+ peoples think that we don’t belong or don’t exist. They may exclude us from the LGBTQ+ community.
People are constantly telling us that it’s just a phase. Invalidating us. Trying to set us up with people when we don’t want to date.
There is always the looming fear that we could be wrong. What if I’m not aromantic and asexual? What if it IS just a phase?
And, of course, the fear of rape is amplified, because sex is horrid in the first place. Imagine being forced into it! It’s awful that some people are into that sort of thing..,
So yeah, that’s all in the life of being 100% aromantic and asexual! If you have any questions, leave a comment! I definitely didn’t cover everything that I’ve felt because I didn’t want this to be too personal, but if you have questions about my mental health, go ahead and ask! I just want to help inform! Grey Stowe