(Gail’s e-mail to Brent on April 18, 2012) My awesome Brent, who always, always calls me gorgeous:
It looks like the Jesuits have somehow got my beautician. I had to go back to him, because he cut my hair uneven the first time, and I tried to fix it, and I made it worse. But when I went back to him today to correct his previous mistakes, he very meticulously cut my hair again, but, like last time, one side was definitely longer than the other side. He would lie and tell me that the shorter side was the longer side. I finally convinced him to cut the longer side a bit shorter, but he still didn’t do my hair right. He knows that I like the inverted bob to taper from back to front and he cut it so that it goes straight from back to front. I think he’s deliberately miscutting my hair. It’s really short now, because of having to fix all his mistakes. He just came back from vacation, and I suspect the Jesuits may have switched out my beautician with his evil clone or something like that, because he’s definitely not the beautician I had a year ago. I’ve decided to live with what he did, but am seriously considering another beautician for my next cut. I may ask my mom who she goes to. You may want to check out and find out what the Jesuits have done to my beautician. This is not the first time, they’ve gotten my beautician. It’s not that hard a cut, but the Jesuits want me ugly and they always try to sabotage my beautician. My mother used to cut my hair and she was good, but she has bad arthritis now. It amazes me how difficult it is for me to find a beautician who can cut a good inverted bob. They all mess up, even when I draw them a good picture! I’ve decided to live with this cut, because I don’t want it any shorter, but I’m still not happy with it, and I’m really not that picky about my hair, so it has to be bad for me to dislike it this much. I will make a video to show you what he did and will post it at churchofgail.com, and how it’s different from what I want. His name is xxxxxxxxxxxxx, and he’s cut my hair since about 2007, and he was pretty good before. But, the past two cuts, he hasn’t been too good, and it’s gotten to the point with this last cut, that I think I need to move on to a new beautician. His number is xxxxxxxxxxxxx. His beauty salon is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Brent, you’ve always considered me beautiful, and have always called me gorgeous, even back in 1991, when you talked to me on the phone with your gorgeous and sexy tenor voice. Never, ever have you ever insinuated otherwise. That’s how I know that that last e-mail I got from you, wasn’t quite “you”. Not sure what happened, but I know my Brent. Thanks for all you do for me, and for your unending support and adoration. I couldn’t ask for a more adoring guy.
(Brent’s e-mail to Gail on April 18, 2012) My lovely wife,
Oh, no! I was hoping that my last message would have hinted at what was about to happen with your beautician today. The Jesuits have updated their computer satellite technology for performing brain reads and the men and I have been speaking to each other in code for the past several days until we can recalibrate our shields at the church to compensate. As we suspected, they have kidnapped your real beautician, who was trying to ruin your image. Physical beauty is very important for Jesuits, who have no natural or inner beauty themselves to speak of. We have used the information you provided to find this evil clone of your beautician and arrest him. Thank you so much for the video. We will be able to execute him for certain, as the evidence is indisputable. Terrance wants to know if you have any special requests for his execution. I think the gentle nips of a warm burning blaze is far too kind for a man that even THOUGHT he could make you less beautiful to me. He even implied that you were crazy. How dare he? There is a special place in hell for this Jesuit!
You of course don’t have to “try” to stay gorgeous for me my darling. I sit here watching the video you sent with my jaw halfway to the floor. When Vladimir saw you brush your hair he about lost his mind wanting to make love to you. I’m so lucky to have the most wonderful, most intelligent, and most beautiful woman in the world. I will never get over it.
(Brent Spiner at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) I can’t emphasize enough how gorgeous you look in that video my darling. I sent you an e-mail.
We’ve been able to confirm that your beautician was replaced by an evil clone while he was on vacation to Mexico. He was taken on board a yacht in international waters, shot, and thrown overboard. We’ve now arrested everyone involved, including his evil clone who had every intention of ruining your image, as if he could ever make you any less beautiful to me. What an insult. I adore you for your real beauty, which is more than just skin deep. What you have is an all encompassing glow that I could just lose myself in forever. Jesuits try to tempt us with women who look like bikini models, not realizing how much of a turn off it is that they have no morals or brains. I adore you, my queen.
(Hugh Jackman at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) It’s time for some whoop ass.
(Matthew McConaughey at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) Oh no, how awful. My sweetest Gail, if only I could do your hair for you. Everyone knows you’re supposed to cut inverted bobs at a slant. It doesn’t even look like he texturized your ends. I hope this Jesuit is executed in the worst possible way.
(Gerard Butler at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) Oh m’lady, you could never look unlovely in me eyes! It’s only obvious that this Jesuit clone was trying to make you look less attractive, as if that sole quality is what gives you such power over men’s hearts. They will never learn.
(judge Terrance Jenkins at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) OH MY GOODNESS. GAIL, YOU JUST TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THIS JESUIT EXECUTED AND I WILL SEE TO IT THAT IT HAPPENS.
I WOULD VOLUNTEER TO CUT YOUR HAIR, BUT I ONLY KNOW HOW TO CUT AFRO-AMERICAN HAIR. I CAN HELP IF YOU EVER WANTED A WEAVE.
(Brent’s e-mail to Gail on April 18, 2012) My dear Gail,
How strange, it looks like I missed the previous e-mail in this batch of correspondences. I hope the Jesuits aren’t causing trouble with you as well using their updated satellites, as you don’t usually make typing or spelling mistakes when you write to me, since you are a professional writer. Let me know if you’re okay. I sense you are fine brain to brain. I hope our communications are accurate. I consulted with Vladimir to ask him these questions, and he says Cyberdefender was recently bought out by a Jesuit corporation. He wants you to cancel right away, and try to find another tech service. Of course, Vladimir’s offer to protect your computer for free is still on the table. He would do that for you. I assured him I would remind you, but you don’t have to. He says what Cyberdefender will try to do is infect your computer over and over again with their own viruses and malware, then charge you to continue having them fix it. Make sure you don’t give them any more money. I’m glad we caught them before they could do this.
Well, I’m writing to you from the courthouse, and I must get back to fighting the legal battle with that awful beautician. I adore you.
(Gail at Church of Gail on April 18, 2012) I’M MORE UPSET THAT THEY MURDERED MY BEAUTICIAN THAN THAT THE JESUIT BOTCHED MY HAIR. THIS JESUIT BEAUTICIAN WILL BE EXECUTED FOR COOPERATING IN A JESUIT MURDER SCHEME, AS THESE CREEPY JESUITS WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO UNDERMINE ME, EVEN OBSESSING OVER MY BEAUTICIANS. THEY ARE DISGUSTING, THAT THEY WOULD MURDER MY BEAUTICIAN JUST TO SABOTAGE MY LOOKS.